Thom Dunn the Buffy Slayer

I recently did some blogging for Dark Horse Comics in anticipation of the upcoming Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season 9 comic book / Angel & Faith comic book, both continuing off of the original Buffy TV universe (because as anyone who knows me knows, I am fairly-to-extremely obsessed with the entirety of Joss Whedon's creative output. Man is the most brilliant dramatist of our time, no exaggeration). Check out the link for more of my thoughts on the Buffyverse as a whole — and, oh yeah, a brief anecdote about that time I armwrestled Joss Whedon (and won!).

#MyBuffyLife Guest Blog at DarkHorseComics.com

Me, totally armwrestling Joss Whedon. THAT'S WHAT
YOU GET FOR KILLING WASH, YOU BIG STUPID JERK!

Purple and Green is the new Black and Blue

How come so many supervillains wear purple and green as their primary colors? I ask this both from a story standpoint (those are probably the two colors I wear the most, but I try not to wear them both at the same time in such excess), and also from a cultural standpoint. What was it that caused so many comic creators in the Sixties to serendipitously dress their villains using the same color palette? Some kind of morphic field, perhaps? That doesn't make sense. But think about it — The Joker, Lex Luthor, Mysterio, the Green Goblin, Kang the Conquerer, even the Vanisher in his first appearance (pre-X-Force brain tumor/evisceration). Why purple and green? What is the reason?! Dammit, supervillains! Give me answers! In all of your convoluted exposition, this is the one thing you never revealed! Aaargh!!! Okay. I'm good now. Where were we? Oh yeah! Five by Five Hundred. Because that was the topic of my post today. I know there was a reason....

"The New Black and Blue" on FiveByFiveHundred.com

(5 x 500) x 500 = (7 x 500)

About two and a half years ago, the Internet Jesus himself, Warren Ellis made a post on his website proposing a different approach to (micro)-blogging, flash fiction, and e-publishing. While I'm not sure if the larger project ever took off, it served as a point of inspiration for then-fresh-out-of-college Thom and his need to write with some kind of purpose/frequency/plan. I threw the idea out to on Facebook and Twitter, and gathered a few friends (with some help from Brian McGackin) to begin the first wave of writers and what would become FiveByFiveHundred.com (a name which may or may not have been inspired by one Faith Lehane). Over the last two years, we've gone through a number of different writers (myself and Brian are the only two that remain of the founding quintet), each producing their own unique posts once a week, with the only rule being a 500-word cap. Poetry, flash-fiction, memoirs, serialized fiction; anything and everything (and sometimes very different work by the same writer week to week). We recently hit our milestone 500^th post (which Lisa McColgan was not aware of when she submitted a wonderful treatise on her stupid cat, Mephisto, as the 500^th post). Around the same time, we lost our Wednesday contributor, Melanie Yarbrough (who is hard at work on larger projects, hence her need to back out), and as we searched for replacements, we realized something: why keep the project limited to five writers? Other than the obvious numeric allusion of the title, we had nothing to lose by adding weekends to our little writing project. The website has received pretty consistent traffic during the week, but more content never hurts, and there are plenty of other talented writers out there who deserve to have their work shown on our humble webspace, plus we had enough interested contributors, so we went with it.

(We toyed for about a minute with upping the word cap to 700, in order to maintain the numeric allusion of the title, but decided to say screw it)

And so, starting this week (well, I suppose, technically starting this past Saturday): Five By Five Hundred now presents seven talented writers, one for each day of the week, each one producing up to 500 words of content on his/her given day. There's lots of great stuff coming out of the site, and with such frequent contributions, there's always something new. So check it out if you haven't already, and enjoy some fantastic flashfiction/poetry/humor/et cetera!

As a jumping off point for you (since there are, well, 500+ posts to weed through already), here are our top 5 (again with the numeric alliteration!) most popular posts:

• "My First Bar Friend" (Thom Dunn)
• "How I Would Rescue Anne Boleyn From Her Execution (Assuming I Had a Time Machine)" (Lisa McColgan)
• "On the Origin of Reese's" (Brian McGackin) (also found in Broetry: Poetry for Dudes, available wherever books are solid!)
• "Productivity" (Lisa McColgan)
• "How To Make Love to a Robot (or other synthetic objects with simulated intelligence and emotional responses)" (Thom Dunn)

And here's to five hundred more. People, or posts, I'm not really sure.

(Also this post totally clocked in ~500 words. NATCH. Booyah.)

Just Another Manic Monday (for a crazy lady)

For some reason, every awkward/terrifying/bizarre thing that happens to me when leaving work gets turned into a silly, traditional poem. Don't know why. Just run with it. There's this woman who walks up and down Massachusetts Avenue near my office, carrying a mirror out in front of her and admiring herself while she walks. I always just assumed she was insane (and that her vanity happened to be a side product of said insanity), and let her walk along her merry way, insanity and all. And mirror.

That is, until this past Thursday, when she assaulted me on my way to the train (on my way to the airport, on way to DC, on my way to another train, on way to Cadillac Carl and his Crimson Cadillac Company, on my way to Maryland for a wedding, on my way to a bus in New York City, on my way back to Boston. But I digress). "Liar!" she screamed, "You are liar! Liar! You bad! Evil Liar! LIAR!" etc., etc., with a bloodcurdling shrillness that was so wretched that it actually gave me goosebumps and left me shaken up for the next half hour. I don't frighten easily, but having a crazy Asian lady with a mirror run at you screaming "Liar!" like you just raped and murdered her family — well, that can be a little intense.

So naturally, I immortalized her madness in a poem. Enjoy!

"The Manic Mirror Maid of Massachusetts Avenue" on FiveByFiveHundred.com

Behold: The Cyborg Head of Stan Lee!

Clearly I've been pretty busy with this playwriting fellowship, writing and re-writing and writing some more. (I'm pretty sure I killed about 7 trees in the last 2 weeks. WHOOPS) And of course, as soon as I'm back to Boston, I'm immediately thrown back into the grind. As such, this week's post on Five By Five Hundred isn't a new piece of writing, per se; instead, it's a monologue from my play that unfortunately had to be cut (by no fault of its own, of course). Amongst the (many) other bizarre, larger-than-life characters featured in True Believers, there is one that stands above the rest.

Or, rather, rests on a wooden base with plastic wires and tubing, presumably for life support. Meet: The Cyborg Head of Stan Lee. Which is kind of like the Head of the John Baptist, or Pope Sylvester II's brazen head, except with more clever catch phrases like, "Stay tuned, True Believers!" and "Excelsior!"

"The Cyborg Head of Stan Lee" on FiveByFiveHundred.com

(And let's be honest: now you're REALLY intrigued by this new play I'm working on, right? Thought so.)

True Believers Staged Reading

The first public staged reading of my new play, True Believers, took place today at the Berkshire Fringe Festival, following two weeks of intense workshopping. The cast was as follows:

• Chad Mailer..........Ryan Marchione
• Billy Horowitz..........Joshua Ramos
• Ted Thompson..........Bill Shein
• Chloe Long..........Bethany Geiger
• Kt Watts..........Kristen Sparhawk
• Box/Ensemble..........Timothy Ryan Olson
• Calvin..........Hector Rivera
• Ensemble..........Clelia Sweeney
• The Cyborg Head of Stan Lee..........Himself

Special thanks to my director, Keith Bulla, and dramaturg/playwright mentor Laura Maria Censabella. Overall, the script seemed to be well received, and I made a lot of progress on it over the past 2 weeks, tightening the story and sharpening the edges. There'll be another draft coming up, so stay tuned to see where your favorite Comic-Con play goes next!

#1stWorldProblems: The Novel

Apparently Nicole Richie is a New York Times Bestselling Novelist. I'm sorry, I'm not sure if you heard me correctly. Nicole Richie is a New York Times Bestselling Novelist.

Upon discovering this fact, I took upon myself to read the debut novel responsible for awarding her such a distinction.

While it would be harsh and unfair to say that I regret this decision, I can confidently say that it was hardly a good decision. Next time such a thought crosses my scattered and impulsive mind, I implore you to stop me and question my poor decision-making skills.

In the meantime, I hope you enjoy my objective critical review of the novel over on DailyGenoshan.com.

Review: "The Truth About Diamonds," by Nicole Richie

The Internet: Giving Dumb People a Voice

I've been pretty busy writing and re-writing the script for my play True Believers, but we finally start rehearsals today, so I'm pretty excited. Despite the gazillion pages I've written/re-written in the past week, I knew I still had a post due for Five By Five Hundred. I ended up scouring the YouTube comments on my Glenn Beck/J. Jonah Jameson mash-up video and found one particularly vocal YouTube commenter, whose breathtaking (really, the only word for it) diatribe I mined to create the "Found Poem" that makes up this week's entry. It does go a little past the 500 word mark — but it was all too priceless to pass up.

Oh, and also, please note: I did no copyediting of any kind. I simply add line breaks for emphasis. The text appears entirely [sic].

I'd like to take a moment to thank the Internet for providing ignorance with a voice, and providing the rest of us with a constant stream of entertainment and funny pictures of animals.

"Race and the Internet, According to Hogwild19100" on FiveByFiveHundred.com

Things We Don't Talk About

Just a short post for today, as I've just started on the workshop for my new play True Believers. But I was able to find a little bit of time to knock out a quick poem for Five By Five Hundred titled "Things We Don't Talk About." It's about things. That we don't talk about. Like that.

"Things We Don't Talk About" on FiveByFiveHundred.com

Pets That Go Poop

Just over a year ago, one of my chinchillas passed away. Pedey (short for "Dustbath Pedroia") was always the stubborn one of the two — the bully older sister — who thought herself some total badass, when in fact she was, well, a chinchilla. As far as we can tell, the cause of death was heatstroke — she was a little overweight from stealing her sister's food every day, and was too stubborn to sit up on a hot day and get a drink of water. But the saddest part about it (because to be honest, she was a pretty mean pet) was her sister who survived her. Yubnub was always the sweet one, and say what you will about animals and emotion and memory, but for a good month following the loss of sister, Yubnub was visibly depressed. I'd let her out of the cage to run around the house, and she would just sit there, not caring. She was always a little skittish when she was picked up by a human, but for that month, she had no reaction at all — and not in a good way. She hardly ate. She didn't even get excited when she heard the crinkling of the raisin bag (a sound which otherwise inspires a Pavlovian response within her).

After about a month of caring for her (making sure she didn't die from depression!) and letting her know confidently that I am part of her "herd" (which is what they say to do with lonely 'chillas), Yubnub seemed fine. In the intervening year, she's been completely normal. Maybe a little lonely sometimes without another playmate, but, well, Pedey was never very playful anyway, and usually just picked on her. While I imagine that the trauma of losing a loved one has essentially disappeared from her small chinchilla brain, I suspect that somewhere inside she still senses something missing. It might not be a conscious realization or memory, but there's something in her muscles — she can tell that there used to be someone or something different here, and that it's missing, but she might not know what that something is.

This week on FiveByFiveHundred.com, after spending a great deal of time with Yubnub over the weekend (there was a heatwave here in Boston, and we hid out together in the only room with air conditioning), I decided to pay homage to the departed Dustbath Pedroia. While comparing her memories to, well, poop might seem a bit insensitive, it's really not — chinchillas (fun fact!) lack sphincter muscles, and thus have no control over their own bowel movements, which means that Yubnub just keeps dropping little tiny poops on the ground behind her without any regard for it. Chinchillas also poop out 90% of what they consume so...it's a lot of poop for a tiny animal (and, admittedly, the biggest drawback to owning one). The ease with which she poops seemed like a fitting metaphor for the way her memory works, so I went with it.

"Shit For Brains" on FiveByFiveHundred.com

San Diego Comic-Con 2011

I regret to inform you, dear readers, that I will NOT be attending San Diego Comic-Con this year. SO STOP ASKING ME IF I'M GOING. It just makes me more upset. I will not have any stories about armwrestling Joss Whedon, or hanging out with Maxim models on the rooftop of the Omni, or nearly getting my ass kicked by James Robinson, etc. And what else do you do when you're sad about something? Write a poem about it, obviously.

Enjoy "Villanelle for San Diego Comic-Con Regrets" on FiveByFiveHundred.com

True Believers Facebook Contest

As mentioned before, my new play, True Believers, will be receiving a workshop production as part of the Berkshire Fringe Festival. I'll spend two intensive weeks in the Berkshires, writing and re-writing, before the public workshop on August 13. Here's the elevator pitch for the play to get you interested:

The heartfelt lives of starcrossed lovers, psychotic fanboys, aspiring comic book writers, cybernetically enhanced humans, and girls who dress like Princess Leia all intertwine over a whirlwind Comic-Con weekend.

(Also, part of the play is set in WORLD OF WARCRAFT. Like, the actual scenes play out within the world of WORLD OF WARCRAFT, when they're not otherwise taking place on the convention floor. Totally cool, right? I'm brilliant)

To get everyone excited about the smörgåsbord of events going on at the Berkshire Fringe Festival (as if True Believers somehow weren't exciting enough on its own), they're holding a Facebook contest to get you extra pumped. One lucky winner will walk away with a $100 cash prize, a season pass to the Berkshire Fringe Festival, and — AND — a snazzy t-shirt. (because we can all use more free snazzy t-shirts, amirite?)

You can read the detailed contest instructions over at the Berkshire Fringe website. Win that money, use it to buy me a beer, and come check out True Believers on August 13!

Finally! The Catcher in the Rye Comes to the Big Screen!

Okay but not really. This week on Five By Five Hundred, I found myself inspired by a comment made in the play Matt & Ben, and decided to write up my own idea of what The Catcher in the Rye would be like if a fully Hollywood-ized Summer blockbuster movie adaptation were ever successfully made. Let's just say it's got all of the jetskis, missile launchers, and knife fights on moving trains that JD Salinger always wanted (I mean, obviously. It's all the subtext. Didn't you learn anything in Mrs. Frumento's sophomore year high school English class? No? You were busy checking her out? Yeah, me too)

"Movie Pitch: CATCHERS IN THE RYE" on FiveByFiveHundred.com

How To Live Safely In A Science Fictional Universe

Read this book. I am not even kidding. The latest novel from Charles Yu, How to Live Safely in a Science Fictional Universe is a brilliantly tongue-in-cheek examination of memories and father-son relationships, through the veil of cheeky sci-fi and wacky time travel concepts. Charles Yu (the character, not the author) is a time travel mechanic with a Masters Degree in Applied Science Fiction. While on a quest to reconnect with his estranged father, Charles Yu (the character) accidentally shoots Future Charles Yu (the future character) in the stomach, but not before Future Charles Yu hands him a copy of a book called How to Live Safely In a Science Fictional Universe, which was/is/will be written by Charles Yu (the character. And the author? I don't know).

Charles Yu (the character) also has a dog named Ed that was retroactively erased from continuity and so technically doesn't exist due to a paradoxical causality but, like any good dog, still loves his owner regardless of his own lack of logical existence.

You can read my full review of How to Live Safely in a Science Fictional Universe over at DailyGenoshan.com, but what really matters is that it's one of the best books I've read in the last year, so you should probably pick it up.

Broetry: Poetry, for Dudes!

Congratulations to my good friend (and fellow FiveByFiveHundred co-founder and Daily Genoshan founder) Brian McGackin, whose first book, Broetry, is available today from the lovely folks at Quirk Books! Broetry is one of the those things that, when Brian first told me about the idea, I kind of wanted to punch him in the teeth, because of how stupidly brilliant and simple it is. It is quite literally poetry, but written for, well, dudes. There's no waxing philosophical about flowers in the spring, but there is plenty of Mama Celeste Frozen Pizzas, comic books, X-Box 360, and HaiKougars to go around. I've been close to this project from its earliest moments, and can honestly say that it is every bit as fantastic as it sounds, and I encourage everyone to pick up a copy (because I guarantee you will find something in it that you enjoy). Also, as an added bonus, my name is in the book, so that's cool, right?

In case you're (somehow) still not convinced, here are a few samplings from the book that I think you might enjoy:

• I'll Take Crazy Bitches for $800, Alex
• When Patrick Stewart Ruled the World
• Stopping by WaWa on a Snowy Evening
• Ode to the Ugly Bitch Talking to Me at this Party that I Don’t Even Want to Be at in the First Place But Was Dragged to By My Friend Because Some Girl He Wants to Fuck Might Be Stopping By Later On If The Place She’s Supposed to Go to First With Her Friends Sucks or Runs Out of Beer Although This Place Also Sucks and is About to Run Out of Beer Which Leads Me to Believe That My Friend is Shit Out of Luck Tonight But I Still Have to Stand Here Like an Idiot and Wait Just in Case That Ho Shows Up Wasted and DTF or Something Because I’m the DD and I Don’t Want My Friend to Cry About it All Weekend Like a Pussy

Welcome to Earf

Here's a little prose poem for your patriotic pleasure (following up on last year's Fourth of July post). If you've ever wondered about what it really means to be an American — well, I think I've got your answer right here!

"Freedom's Flame" on FiveByFiveHundred.com

And as an extra holiday bonus, here is a video of the BEST SPEECH EVER from a masterful cinematic beauty that shares its name with the holiday in question:

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aUdB8gCMcXI&w=425&h=349]

Fancy Backyard Bohemian Play Readings (plus beer)

Last night, we held a small reading (well, okay, it's a fairly large cast, but there was audience, so whatever) of my new play True Believers, at the Westerly Street Theatre Company and BrewPub. Also known as My Backyard. Clearly of all of my neighbors were quite impressed by the psuedo-Bohemian lifestyles of me and my friends read plays and drank homebrewed beer. Did I mention that True Believers is a play about Comic-Con, and includes cyborgs, girls dressed as Princess Leia, and scenes that take place entirely in WORLD OF WARCRAFT? Okay, so maybe we're less Boheme, more Geek Chic. I'm cool with that.

Thanks to everyone who helped out with the reading; everyone had great feedback to share, and the response helped to get me even more excited for workshopping the play as part of the Berkshire Fringe Festival in August (during which there will be a public staged reading of the play, featuring professional actors and directors. Not that my friends aren't professional actors/director [which, some of them are! No, really.], but they're also, well, my friends, and I know them).

Stay tuned (for more information on) True Believers!

The Plot Finds a Life

Today on FiveByFiveHundred.com, I tried another small experiment meta-flashfiction experiment (but I swear, it's not nearly as pretentious as that phrasing sounds. Honest). It was partially inspired by (or possibly expounds upon?) a previous piece that I wrote for the website, titled The NightShift (which is, in turn, the inspiration for a fictional comic book fictionally written by the protagonist of my play True Believers), because sometimes, I guess I just like writing stories about stories. But, you know. With heart.

"Storytime Dreams" on FiveByFiveHundred.com

Temporary Drinking Buddies

You know that friend who you always see at parties and when you're both drunk s/he is totally your best friend and you talk about everything, but then when you're sober and back in the real world, it's awkward because you're not really actually friends and you don't hang out or anything and then you see him/her on the street and it's totally weird? Yeah. You know the one.

Today on FiveByFiveHundred.com, I share my own story of my favorite drinking buddy from the local pub who I don't actually know. His name is Paul.

Cheers!

"My First Bar Friend," on FiveByFiveHundred.com

Review: Fun & Games by Duane Swierczynski

Fun & Games, the newest novel from crime fictioneer/Marvel Comics scribe Duane Swierczynski, is the first installment in a trilogy of books about protagonist Charlie Hardie, an ex-cop(-ish) with a blood past from Philadelphia (where else?). It's a frantic loveletter to LA noir, with blistering energy and labyrinthine conspiracies revealing how Hollywood really runs the world. So it's kind of like Mulholland Drive, except it actually makes sense (no offense, David Lynch). Read my full review of Fun & Games over at DailyGenoshan.com!