A musical memorial to Mama Cooter

This is the last text that I ever sent to Layne.

We had that creepy Campari clown hanging in our apartment junior year of college. Not because any of us drank Campari then (I do now), but because we found it in the trash on Beacon Hill and it had a frame, so we figured, why not? 

But Layne hated it. That clown creeped her the hell out. Still, she let it stay, and it became a running joke with us.

I don't know if she ever saw that text of her hated clown painting, or if she had already died from complications with diabetes by the time I sent it.

Here's a song I wrote when we were living together in 2007, and she was hospitalized for the same thing.

It's called "Electric Lights."

The selfish unawareness of
a window painted blue
electric lights that won't reflect,
but sound so clearly overdue

It permeates the smell of
sanitation and
of jaundice under skin that

has been peeled away
by saline soldiers,
crawling on their knees
across a bridge of gather lives;
maybe this time

she'll sound so much better
in this sweater than this dress
that leaves her back exposed
so all the coldest air can make a nest

All the stabbing
All the dripping
All the fevers and the cries
And poorly picked out tiles on the wall
have watched a million maidens die
underneath electric lights

She's so mixed up
like metaphors
it's better for her.
So when all
the shallow echoes fall
and settle in her cheeks
she's still demanding
all that I can V.

Help Me Raise Money For Suicide Awareness & Get Free Stuff!

That's me and Mike to the left, circa 1999. Mike was one of my first friends I ever had, very much raised as a brother to me. He lost his life to suicide nearly five years ago now, and while you learn to deal with loss as time goes on, it never really goes away — you're left with questions and loss and one big hole that will never ever get refilled. That's part of the reason that I'm so sensitive and vocal about mental health (aside from own struggles); because I know what that suffering is like on all sides, and I don't think anyone else should ever have to experience those things.

I had other friends who'd lost loved ones to suicide, but Mike's death was really the first time I was forced to deal with losing someone so directly close to me, and especially in such a way. Unfortunately, when it comes to dealing with loss, I've gotten my fair of share of practice in these last five years, and Mike's wasn't the only one of those that could have (maybe, possibly) been helped, or stopped.

I could go on and on about this, but since suicide has recently been in the public eye, I've decided to do something different. The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention hosts walkathon fundraisers every year to raise money for research, education, and outreach programs about suicide. The Out of Darkness walk (as it's called) in my hometown is not just for Mike, but it is taking place right around the anniversary of his passing. I want to raise some money for the walk, in the hope that even though its too late to save my friends, it might make a difference in someone else's life, so that they don't have to suffer the same.

So here's the deal: I've put together a sweet little package of music and eBooks, all various things that I've created, and they can all be yours with a donation of any amount to the Hamden, CT Out of Darkness Walk for the American Foundation for Society Prevention (Go Team Mikey).

All you have to do is click here to make your donation, and the download should start right away! (It's a pretty hefty ZIP file, because all the music is uncompressed)

Thanks in advance for your support. It means more to people than you realize, and I hope you enjoy your little rewards. Here's what you'll get:

eBooks:

• Fixing a Hole, a one-act play about two friends and a hole at the end of the world. Mike lived for theatre, and shortly his death, I wrote this as a kind of elegy to him, and a reflection on our relationship.
• EndProgram.txt, a darkly comedic (or maybe just sad) short story about the death of a robot. Originally written and conceived in the 5th week of the Clarion Writer's Workshop under the guidance of Kelly Link and Karen Joy Fowler. 

Music:

• If You Really Want To Hear About It, the unreleased EP from my college band the Roland High Life. Six tracks, plus two bonus b-sides. Track 2, "Your Last Fall" was written before Mike's passing...but listening to it now, it feels frighteningly prescient.
• Three new cover songs recorded especially for this occasion:
  • "The 59 Sound" by the Gaslight Anthem, changed to "The 69 Sound" in honor of the recording of Mike's beloved "Let It Be";
  • "I Was Meant For The Stage" by The Decemberists, one of Mike's favorite bands, this song could just have easily been written from his point of view, especially given how he had committed his life to theatre. At the reception following his funeral, some of Mike's friends played a haunting video of him singing this song at karaoke (my parents actually thought it was a song he had written). Recording this was the first time I've listened to this song since then;
  • and "You Were Cool" by the Mountain Goats, an unreleased track, with a few lyrical changes, as John's protagonist lives in his version of the song (also Mike wasn't really known for wearing high heels back in high school, although I did think about changing it to something like "stalking down the concrete hallways / in your tight jeans / back in high school," but then I didn't). Still, the lyrics remind me a lot of Mike growing up, and what I wish I could say to him now.

If you have any trouble with your download, please let me know.

Legal stuff: all content made available in this offer is available free and will not used for personal profit or gain. All files, content, intellectual property, etc. is the legal property and copyright of Thom Dunn and is made available through a Creative Commons Attribution Sharealike4.0 International license, with the following exceptions: 

• "The 59 Sound" is copyright 2008 Brian Fallon / The Gaslight Anthem
• "I Was Meant For The Stage" is copyright 2003 Colin Meloy / The Decemberists
• "You Were Cool" is copyright John Darnielle / Mountain Goats

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons
Attribution-ShareAlike 4.0 International License.

All Ramones Go To Heaven

Rest in peace, boys. Keep on Cretin Hoppin' in the sky.

The Truth About Thom Dunn: Revealed!

I think when most people meet me for the first time, they get a pretty good read at who I am, and nearly all of them leave this first encounter with an awareness of most, if not all, of these essential Thom Dunn truths:

• I really like comic books
• I really like beer
• I really like being awesome
• I am awesome
• I really like being Irish
• I have much better taste in music than you, and if I don't, I will gladly engage in friendly albeit heated debate with you about it
• I really, really hate Journey

Most of these facts require very little explanation, but it's the last one that does occasionally lead to controversy.

I've decided that it's time for me to set the record straight once and for all, and explain myself to the Internets.

But keep in mind that the truth can sometimes be a bitter pill to swallow. I think I might be mixing metaphors there, but I don't care. You have been warned.

"Why I Hate Journey (the band)" on FiveByFiveHundred.com

Awake

I'm sure I'll go back and post my specific feelings about this at length, but my friend Scotty passed away this weekend. For now, instead of getting into the emotional stuff, I shared one of my favorite memories of my Scotty over on Five By Five Hundred, because frankly, it was the only thing I was capable of thinking of. Rest in peace, brother.

"Scotty, Or That Time I Wasn't 21" on FiveByFiveHundred.com

"It's never as bad as it seems. You're much stronger than you think you are."

Three years ago, I lost my oldest friend to suicide. It's something I still live with every day, even if he doesn't. I just wanted to take a moment In recognition of World Suicide Prevention Week to share an important truth spoken by one of our greatest heroes, to remind us all of the truth in the face of overwhelming emotional adversity:

Never forget that.

The Past, The Present, and The Imperfect Future Walk Into a Bar...

Things have been less than ideal as of late, as my girlfriend's best friend quite abruptly passed away from an unexpected heart attack at the age of 28. As you can imagine, it's been a very rough and emotional week. I could very well fill this blog with my thoughts and feelings on the occasion, but anything factual I would attempt to type would feel disingenuous, so here are a few posts catching up on Five By Five Hundred that were inspired by the situation.

Rest in peace, Crystal Gomes. I guess a light as bright as yours is bound to burn out much too fast.

"Being Tense" on FiveByFiveHundred.com

"The Old Maid on the Bar Stool" (part one) (part two) on FiveByFiveHundred.com

In Memory

2 years ago today, I lost my oldest friend in life to suicide. For my post on FiveByFiveHundred.com, I decided to look at these two years and how it's affected me. There's not much else to write about that isn't covered elsewhere, but it just serves to remind us that is life is precious, and no one's life "isn't worth it." Even two years later, Mike's death has a profound affect on me every day. Sure, I handle it better now — but suicide never goes away. It never gets better. So think before you act, whether you're experiencing your own feelings of self-harm, or whether your actions might have that affect on someone else. I miss you, Mike.

"The Stage or the Curtain" at FiveByFiveHundred.com

(If you're looking for some more not-so-light reading, I wrote a [fairly abstract and Beckett-esque] play about this as well. It premiered in Hollywood in April of 2010 — too late, of course, for Mike to have ever seen it. But theatre was his only real salvation in life, so maybe somehow, I can keep him alive on the stage, because I think that's how he would have liked it.)

[soundcloud url="http://api.soundcloud.com/tracks/9404866"]

T-Shirt of the Dead: In Shocking 3D!

Apologies for missing last week's post on Five By Five Hundred — my good friend Moose got married over the weekend (congrats, buddy!) and between the bachelor party, the wedding itself, and the various in town for the same festivities, I kind of forgot that Monday was a holiday, and that I had a piece due. Whoops! Better late than never right?

My new entry for last week ('cause, ya know, I'm a time traveller n' shiz) was inspired by Fashion Week — and, more specifically, the fact that t-shirts and Facebook pages have all but replaced gravestones as the default memorials of our deceased friends. So it's a slightly surreal prose/poetry meditation on the fact that dead friends are now fashionable. But not like, wearing the skin of dead people — that's just weird, man.*

"We Will Become T-Shirts" on FiveByFiveHundred.com

*Unless you're some kind of Nordic Barbarian or something, in which case, well, to each his own, I guess. Who am I to judge?

Pets That Go Poop

Just over a year ago, one of my chinchillas passed away. Pedey (short for "Dustbath Pedroia") was always the stubborn one of the two — the bully older sister — who thought herself some total badass, when in fact she was, well, a chinchilla. As far as we can tell, the cause of death was heatstroke — she was a little overweight from stealing her sister's food every day, and was too stubborn to sit up on a hot day and get a drink of water. But the saddest part about it (because to be honest, she was a pretty mean pet) was her sister who survived her. Yubnub was always the sweet one, and say what you will about animals and emotion and memory, but for a good month following the loss of sister, Yubnub was visibly depressed. I'd let her out of the cage to run around the house, and she would just sit there, not caring. She was always a little skittish when she was picked up by a human, but for that month, she had no reaction at all — and not in a good way. She hardly ate. She didn't even get excited when she heard the crinkling of the raisin bag (a sound which otherwise inspires a Pavlovian response within her).

After about a month of caring for her (making sure she didn't die from depression!) and letting her know confidently that I am part of her "herd" (which is what they say to do with lonely 'chillas), Yubnub seemed fine. In the intervening year, she's been completely normal. Maybe a little lonely sometimes without another playmate, but, well, Pedey was never very playful anyway, and usually just picked on her. While I imagine that the trauma of losing a loved one has essentially disappeared from her small chinchilla brain, I suspect that somewhere inside she still senses something missing. It might not be a conscious realization or memory, but there's something in her muscles — she can tell that there used to be someone or something different here, and that it's missing, but she might not know what that something is.

This week on FiveByFiveHundred.com, after spending a great deal of time with Yubnub over the weekend (there was a heatwave here in Boston, and we hid out together in the only room with air conditioning), I decided to pay homage to the departed Dustbath Pedroia. While comparing her memories to, well, poop might seem a bit insensitive, it's really not — chinchillas (fun fact!) lack sphincter muscles, and thus have no control over their own bowel movements, which means that Yubnub just keeps dropping little tiny poops on the ground behind her without any regard for it. Chinchillas also poop out 90% of what they consume so...it's a lot of poop for a tiny animal (and, admittedly, the biggest drawback to owning one). The ease with which she poops seemed like a fitting metaphor for the way her memory works, so I went with it.

"Shit For Brains" on FiveByFiveHundred.com

How Are You?

On Thursday, March 25^th, Mitchell Dubey was murdered in his home in New Haven. I never knew Mitchell myself, but he touched the lives of countless people whom I've known, and left a lasting, positive impact on these people and the community of which they are a part. Last night, his friends put together a benefit concert for Mitchell's family, who has suffered a great deal in the past year, and successfully raised over $23,000, and completely sold out Toad's Place, a famous music venue in New Haven. It was a glorious sight to behold, a celebration of his life and the things he loved. (And yes, that is a GIANT photo of me getting a wristband from the doorman at the concert. Embarrassing. I wish they could have featured someone else who knew Mitchell personally. But, I'll take it.)

I feel strange that I never had the chance to meet Mitchell, but he touched the lives of so many people that I've known a long time, and left a lasting, positive impact on a community that I care greatly for, even though I don't live there anymore. I don't want to rob my grief from those that actually knew Mitchell and were so greatly affected by this loss, but I was overwhelmed by the amount of love on display last night. Mitchell Dubey left a mark on the lives of so many people that I have known, and so, by extension, his life has affected mine, and I think that is the very definition of community.

This week's post on Five By Five Hundred is dedicated to Mitchell. It was inspired by an interaction that I had at the show with my old friend Jerry Morgan. We haven't seen each other in a long time, and have never done well keeping in touch, but I think we were both happy to see each other, barring the circumstances. Jerry knew Mitchell through the bicyclist and vegan communities in New Haven, as well as the music scene, and when we both asked each other how we "were," we both understand what it meant — what has your life been like since we last spoke, excepting the detail of your friend's gruesome murder. Fortunately Jerry always remains positive, and took our "How are you?"s in good humor, and it sparked a conversation.

Before I link you selfishly to my writing, here's a video of Mitchell taken by a complete stranger in California several years ago. It only makes me wish I knew him more.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fmh9FBDAvwo&w=425&h=349]

Check out "Three Words" on FiveByFiveHundred.com